my last day at my old job was Tuesday, the one before Thanksgiving. the first day of the new one is next Monday. I'm taking a week off to write.
And here I am, blogging at 11 am on Tuesday, hoping i have enough to say to get me through the week. hoping i have enough to say to keep my hope alive that maybe someday i could do this, really do this, like, do this all the time, not just in the evenings or the mornings or the rare weeks between jobs.
Natalie Goldberg says, "It was important to give myself permission to fail. It is the only way to write. We can't live up to anyone's high standards, including our own...Kindness. It stemmed from kindness. I have always been kind to myself in the area of writing. I know if I'm not kind, if I get too tough, I'll get scared, close up, freeze."
I have never been kind to myself in the area of writing. I have been frozen; I am trying to unthaw. Yesterday, as I wrote, I felt light, free, weightless as a helium balloon climbing high, higher above the brownstones and the leafless trees. Today, I awoke terrified. Yesterday, all I cared about was getting the sludge out of my system. Today, there is pressure to Write. Capital W Write. I am trying to be kind, but kindness does not come easily. I haven't yet learned it.