Having a boyfriend is so much easier than dating. It makes problem solving exponentially simpler. For example
Q: What am I going to do this weekend?
A: Hang out with the boyfriend.
Q: Who am I going to have sex with?
A: The boyfriend.
Q: Who is going to take me out to dinner?
A: The boyfriend.
Q: Who is going to tell me that they like me just the way I am even if my fat is rolling over the top of my jeans?
A: The boyfriend.
Q: Who is going to help me haul this huge, heavy piece of furniture that i just happened to find on the street that is so nice that it doesn't even matter that i have zero free sqare feet in my place but i have to have it because it's FREEEEEE?
A: The boyfriend (and if you're lucky, one of his friends, leaving you free to supervise).
Q: Who is going to empty the mouse trap with the dead, mangled mouse in it?
A: They boyfriend.
And on and on like that.
Now, when you happen to find yourself in the extremely liberating position of SINGLENESS, the answers to all of those questions in 98% percent of cases become much less enticing. This, of course, is after that stage where you lie to yourself about all of the great things about being single. For instance
Q: What am I going to do this weekend?
A: Lay around in my sweatpants eating Ben and Jerry's and drinking wine because i was dating someone for so long that i no longer have any friends to hang out with.
Q: Who am I going to have sex with?
A: No one. My vibrator. That guy i used to sleep with along time ago, shit, except i lost his number. In that order.
Q: Who is going to take me out to dinner?
A: No one. Yourself. In that order. Which is really the same thing.
Q: Who is going to tell me that they like me just the way I am even if my fat is rolling over the top of my jeans?
A: Maybe the homeless guy on the corner asking for change. Maybe. But probably only if you give him some change.
Q: Who is going to empty the mouse trap with the dead, mangled mouse in it?
A: Oh, God. Oh god. Maybe the roommate will do it. No, no, she won't, she definitely won't. Oh God, I think I'm going to vomit. I cannot believe there are absolutely no men in my life who will do this for me. Oh god. I don't even want to touch it. Oh God.
And on and on like that.
Showing posts with label biased commentary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label biased commentary. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
love and hate
hiya, babies! how are you? it's been a few days, so i thought i'd write something, even though i'm not sure yet what that's going to be.
let's start with the BF. I know i sometimes get frustrated with him, but at the moment i'm so enamored it's kind of disgusting and i would like to just say that he showed up on my doorstep at a completely reasonable hour last night OUT OF THE BLUE and we snuggled and talked in my bed until the wee hours of the night. and he said something sickening like "I love looking into your eyes," and then i said something sickening, like "I love how we can just lay around and talk." in fact, here's a short list of the things i love about him.
1. he likes my fat (erm, curves)
2. he likes me in spite of (and possibly in part because of) my crazy psychopathic tendencies (like wanting to plan everything, or flipping out over minute infractions)
3. he is a fantastic listener
4. he always knows when something is wrong (sometimes before i do)
5. he is hot, hot, hot, and does that boy know how to dance! mmm.
6. he owns more pairs of shoes than i do.
did you just throw up a little in your mouth? sorry about that. i couldn't help myself.
moving on. I read an article this morning about my alma mater, one Oral Roberts University, which fucked me up more than i care to let on. if you don't know the entire story, it's documented practically daily by the Tulsa World. Because nothing else really happens down there. (HA! I just got a really weird mental image of the "down there" of the United States being in Oklahoma. Oklahoma, the vagina of the US. god, how depressing!) The first article i read was about how the place is on the upswing, because a guy basically said "I'll give you $62 million dollars if you let me make the rules" and ORU was like "yeah, sure. sounds good." which has a couple of alumni i know really excited that the place is now on the right track (these are former "I hate ORUers" who are now giving money to the university). but i'm (more than) a little skeptical. isn't that just trading one monarchy for another? isn't that continuing the tradition of BOWING TO THE DOLLAR instead of God? I'm not convinced. I mean, anything, ANYTHING is better than Richard and Lindsey. A monkey, a chocolate bar, a waitress from Hooters. Marilyn Manson. Anything. (side note: although, i do actually have a lot of respect for MM. i like the guy. he's smart and well-spoken, and i think in many ways he is more "christian" than most self-proclaimed christians.) But I'm not sure that the corruption is gone. i'm not sure that ORU hasn't traded one "evil" for another. the second article i read was about a former accountant who has stepped forward and alleges that ORU was funneling $1 billion annually through the university out to not only Richard and Lindsey but also to the Regents. Though I doubt that it's possible that that much money was coming through ORU, it would explain why the Regents were so reluctant to deal with the allegations brought by the former professors who filed the lawsuit. What? More corruption in the church? I'm shocked.
all of that to say that i'm not convinced that anything has changed. and it will be a long time before i am. at this point, though i feel much less like blowing up the prayer tower or hoping to someday watch a giant tornado level the campus, i am still so scarred by my four years there that i'm not sure that any amount of change could convince me to ever forgive ORU its former evils. and although some former "I hate ORUers" have come to a place where they are now supporting the university financially, i don't know that i will ever even be able to speak well of it. I'm still angry, and it's going to take more than a little restructuring to change that. ORU took my soul. it's not getting my money, too.
let's start with the BF. I know i sometimes get frustrated with him, but at the moment i'm so enamored it's kind of disgusting and i would like to just say that he showed up on my doorstep at a completely reasonable hour last night OUT OF THE BLUE and we snuggled and talked in my bed until the wee hours of the night. and he said something sickening like "I love looking into your eyes," and then i said something sickening, like "I love how we can just lay around and talk." in fact, here's a short list of the things i love about him.
1. he likes my fat (erm, curves)
2. he likes me in spite of (and possibly in part because of) my crazy psychopathic tendencies (like wanting to plan everything, or flipping out over minute infractions)
3. he is a fantastic listener
4. he always knows when something is wrong (sometimes before i do)
5. he is hot, hot, hot, and does that boy know how to dance! mmm.
6. he owns more pairs of shoes than i do.
did you just throw up a little in your mouth? sorry about that. i couldn't help myself.
moving on. I read an article this morning about my alma mater, one Oral Roberts University, which fucked me up more than i care to let on. if you don't know the entire story, it's documented practically daily by the Tulsa World. Because nothing else really happens down there. (HA! I just got a really weird mental image of the "down there" of the United States being in Oklahoma. Oklahoma, the vagina of the US. god, how depressing!) The first article i read was about how the place is on the upswing, because a guy basically said "I'll give you $62 million dollars if you let me make the rules" and ORU was like "yeah, sure. sounds good." which has a couple of alumni i know really excited that the place is now on the right track (these are former "I hate ORUers" who are now giving money to the university). but i'm (more than) a little skeptical. isn't that just trading one monarchy for another? isn't that continuing the tradition of BOWING TO THE DOLLAR instead of God? I'm not convinced. I mean, anything, ANYTHING is better than Richard and Lindsey. A monkey, a chocolate bar, a waitress from Hooters. Marilyn Manson. Anything. (side note: although, i do actually have a lot of respect for MM. i like the guy. he's smart and well-spoken, and i think in many ways he is more "christian" than most self-proclaimed christians.) But I'm not sure that the corruption is gone. i'm not sure that ORU hasn't traded one "evil" for another. the second article i read was about a former accountant who has stepped forward and alleges that ORU was funneling $1 billion annually through the university out to not only Richard and Lindsey but also to the Regents. Though I doubt that it's possible that that much money was coming through ORU, it would explain why the Regents were so reluctant to deal with the allegations brought by the former professors who filed the lawsuit. What? More corruption in the church? I'm shocked.
all of that to say that i'm not convinced that anything has changed. and it will be a long time before i am. at this point, though i feel much less like blowing up the prayer tower or hoping to someday watch a giant tornado level the campus, i am still so scarred by my four years there that i'm not sure that any amount of change could convince me to ever forgive ORU its former evils. and although some former "I hate ORUers" have come to a place where they are now supporting the university financially, i don't know that i will ever even be able to speak well of it. I'm still angry, and it's going to take more than a little restructuring to change that. ORU took my soul. it's not getting my money, too.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
baby naming
If you're reading this, you most likely know me, and if you know me, you know that i like books. I was thinking the other day (yesterday, at work, actually. yes, instead of DOING work) that should i happen to procreate, the chances of which i give myself, at this point in my life, maybe a 37.62% chance of doing*, I might perhaps like to name my children after certain literary-type things. The probability of me procreating 3 separate times is exponentially less likely (twice, 13.31%; thrice, 0.45%); however, i've come up with 3 names i would like to use on my literary spawn, so we're going to go with 3. I've also decided to go from largest literary-related thing to smallest, because everyone knows the baby gets the most attention, so i figured in a handicap for her so that she won't be quite so spoiled. I plan on having a girl, a boy, and a girl, in that order (i'm not even going to attempt the probabilities with this one). The eldest, of course, would be named Paige. The middle child would be Colum (a name shared, incidentally, by a favorite writer of mine, Colum McCann). The youngest would be named Tilde.
~
And should I, God forbid, accidentally procreate a fourth time, it would be a girl and i would fulfill my childhood promise to my 8th grade science teacher by naming her Inertia.
that's pretty.
On a related note, i would like to discuss my amusement with names that constitute a full sentence. Tom Waits, for instance. Or a guy i used to date named Justin Blewitt. i like that one particularly a lot because it's not just a subject and a verb, but also an, um, you know, predicate. Names are so funny. Julie Seals. What does she seal? Who knows?!
Yeah, yeah, i know i'm a nerd. But if i wasn't, i would probably be hanging out with my friends blowing coke instead of blogging. you didn't think about that, didja? DIDJA?
SPEAKING of drugs, I'm sure you know by now that Heath Ledger is dead (good segue, huh?). Without getting too philosophical about it, i would just like to say that IF YOU ARE 28, GORGEOUS, FAMOUS, AND HAVE A 2-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON IN HELL TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. If your life is so bad, i should have been dead years ago. possibly aborted. okay? seriously, grow a pair, perhaps try to consider for 2 seconds that it's not all about you, and realize that pretty much everyone else on the planet is doing WORSE than you.
ugh, what a waste of a pretty face.
Of course, i would be down for starting some kind of "Michelle Williams killed him and made it look like a suicide because..." conspiracy theory.
Okay, that's about all the time i have today. tune in tomorrow for more excitement.**
*All statistics are completely made up. Like all other statistics.
**I make absolutely no promises to actually blog tomorrow or that, in the event i do blog, it will be in any way exciting.
~
And should I, God forbid, accidentally procreate a fourth time, it would be a girl and i would fulfill my childhood promise to my 8th grade science teacher by naming her Inertia.
that's pretty.
On a related note, i would like to discuss my amusement with names that constitute a full sentence. Tom Waits, for instance. Or a guy i used to date named Justin Blewitt. i like that one particularly a lot because it's not just a subject and a verb, but also an, um, you know, predicate. Names are so funny. Julie Seals. What does she seal? Who knows?!
Yeah, yeah, i know i'm a nerd. But if i wasn't, i would probably be hanging out with my friends blowing coke instead of blogging. you didn't think about that, didja? DIDJA?
SPEAKING of drugs, I'm sure you know by now that Heath Ledger is dead (good segue, huh?). Without getting too philosophical about it, i would just like to say that IF YOU ARE 28, GORGEOUS, FAMOUS, AND HAVE A 2-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON IN HELL TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. If your life is so bad, i should have been dead years ago. possibly aborted. okay? seriously, grow a pair, perhaps try to consider for 2 seconds that it's not all about you, and realize that pretty much everyone else on the planet is doing WORSE than you.
ugh, what a waste of a pretty face.
Of course, i would be down for starting some kind of "Michelle Williams killed him and made it look like a suicide because..." conspiracy theory.
Okay, that's about all the time i have today. tune in tomorrow for more excitement.**
*All statistics are completely made up. Like all other statistics.
**I make absolutely no promises to actually blog tomorrow or that, in the event i do blog, it will be in any way exciting.
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