Tuesday, September 9, 2008

is my insecurity showing?

a friend and i were talking today about a blog we both read. my friend said something to the effect of, "they think they're masking their pain so well, and maybe they are on the surface, but in their blog, it's in everything they write."

which, on further reflection, caused me to wonder what my blog 'says' that i don't think it says, or that maybe i'm trying (unconsciously?) to mask. Does it scream of insecurity? Or manic-depressiveness? Is it a cry for help, or attention?

It's easy to act cool and put together on the street, in the subway, at work, with acquaintances and sometimes with friends. But here...do I put up that exterior? Do I write exactly what I think and feel? Do I censor myself? don't try to, but i'm not sure it's avoidable.

Because it's easy to think you know yourself, but actually doing it is damn near impossible. i know i'm insecure sometimes; i don't always try to hide it. i let myself be vulnerable here; but there's always a thin coating of self-preservatory humor, or anger, or sarcasm. it is comforting to think of how far we've come. it is another thing entirely to face the demons that remain, especially if we'd rather pretend they no longer possess us. At least you know when you're being haunted by ghosts. How do you know when you're dealing with demons?

2 comments:

Okie said...

If it wasn't showing, it is now ;)

I think you just gotta be you. And we do this by not thinking about it too much (good luck with this as a writer). But we can't help being ourselves -- growing, changing, or not.

I think the key is to be kind to yourself. As writers, our inner editors usually have the most to say, but we can learn to ignore them -- or at least learn to nod and smile.

Steven Leyva said...

I am with okie on this one. I think one way you can know that you are dealing with your demons is when you start to see, not how they effect you, but how they are effecting other people. My two cents, which is probably worth half that.