Wednesday, February 13, 2008

the beauty of the unknown

i feel like i've been scattered into a million swirling snowflakes that are hovering above the city. i feel like nothing is certain, that any part of me could land anywhere. i feel stagnant, hovering above the chaos of the city, unable to settle as i sweep past buildings and trees and the lights in Times Square, and the hunched overcoats. I feel cold and alone. I feel shaken and stirred. I feel like this entire city is my home but i have nowhere to rest. still but on a precipice. calm with a storm on the horizon. the hush before the starting gun.

on your mark. get set. run.

in six months, my life could be entirely different. or entirely the same. and it feels odd to say that i have no idea which it will be. questions are writhing like snakes in a pit, one, then another, then another, sliding on top of the others, into my view.

where will i live when my lease is up?
will i get into grad school?
will my work pay for grad school?
will i try to find a better-paying job?
will i try to find a cheaper apartment further away, or will i be able to afford to live on my own?
who will be my confidantes?
who will be my lover?
will i be able to afford a vacation, and will i be able to find someone to go with me? (yes, i know, not exactly a life question, but important, nonetheless)
will i cut my hair? (haha, NO!)
will i be in love?

i know that some of these things are simply unknowable. which is what drives me crazy.
however, i also know that i will adjust. i will think hard and long about what is most important to me (saving money or living alone?). and i will know what to do. i will be fine. i know it. i always am. but that doesn't stop a part of me from freaking the eff out about the unknown now. before i know it.

which is one of those things i really like about life: the drama of it all. the change. the ambush. you think everything is fine and calm and peaceful and maybe, just maybe you've started to figure everything out, and then KA-BLAM! Batman breaks through the door and starts throwing punches and next thing you know, you're in the middle of an epic comic-book scale punch-throwing, onomonopoiec-word seeing fight with some crazy fat man dressed like a penguin. POW! BLAT! SCHMOOZELE! (i made up that last one.)

BOOM. and you know you're still alive.


Sideshow said...

Just think how boring life would be if you knew exactly what was going to come next:)

Okie said...

Only a few months ago Les and I had many of the same questions. Most have worked themselves out by simply aiming in a general direction and shooting that way.

Good things. Change is good, very good. And rarely comfortable.