i hate it that you're all* married. because i feel like my relationship problems seem stupid, or tawdry, like you're listening with your hands to your mouths, hiding your wry smiles, thinking, "aw, how adorable!" looking knowingly at your spouse, saying, "remember, honey, when we used to fight about such silly things?"
don't get me wrong. i DO NOT want to be married. i just want ALL of you not to be married either. because when i'm cranky, like today, i don't have a single single girlfriend to call and say "let's go get trashed." or when i'm having relationship problems, like today, i don't have a single girlfriend to call and say "what the fuck is he thinking?" without hearing an adorable anecdote about her mostly perfect "but we still have our bad days" husband.
who is going to come over and help me get ready for my birthday party?
who is going to run over with a tub of ice cream and a good chick flick when i'm depressed?
who is going to wail with me about the lack of decent men in this city?
who is going to get gussied up with me to go to bars where we will unsuccessfully try to pick up men while getting completely drunk?
NO ONE. BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL MARRIED. and you have to check with your husbands first. and you're annoying secure in your relationships. and you have all the fucking answers. i'm sorry. i don't want answers. i want some befuddled commisseration, okay? I want you not to know why men are so frustrating, too.
is that too much to ask?
there, married kyle. there's your fucking question of the day. "is that too much to ask?"
*i may be exaggerating. but i'm upset. and that's how i feel, even if it's not true.