Wednesday, February 6, 2008

get divorced. i'll feel better.

i hate it that you're all* married. because i feel like my relationship problems seem stupid, or tawdry, like you're listening with your hands to your mouths, hiding your wry smiles, thinking, "aw, how adorable!" looking knowingly at your spouse, saying, "remember, honey, when we used to fight about such silly things?"

don't get me wrong. i DO NOT want to be married. i just want ALL of you not to be married either. because when i'm cranky, like today, i don't have a single single girlfriend to call and say "let's go get trashed." or when i'm having relationship problems, like today, i don't have a single girlfriend to call and say "what the fuck is he thinking?" without hearing an adorable anecdote about her mostly perfect "but we still have our bad days" husband.

who is going to come over and help me get ready for my birthday party?

who is going to run over with a tub of ice cream and a good chick flick when i'm depressed?

who is going to wail with me about the lack of decent men in this city?

who is going to get gussied up with me to go to bars where we will unsuccessfully try to pick up men while getting completely drunk?

NO ONE. BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL MARRIED. and you have to check with your husbands first. and you're annoying secure in your relationships. and you have all the fucking answers. i'm sorry. i don't want answers. i want some befuddled commisseration, okay? I want you not to know why men are so frustrating, too.

is that too much to ask?

there, married kyle. there's your fucking question of the day. "is that too much to ask?"

*i may be exaggerating. but i'm upset. and that's how i feel, even if it's not true.

3 comments:

Okie said...

Nah, it's not too much to ask.

Men are dicks.

and

Sorry you had a rough day. If you want we can skip coffee, ride the L train and make fun of hispters OR go to Herald Sq and knock the Macy's bags out of all the tourists' hands OR I can dress in drag, and the three of us can go to Chelsea and bitch about men OR we can go throw sticks in front of the skateboarders in Union Sq . . .

Let me know

Lizzie said...

thank you :)

sorry for the harshness. yesterday was a very bad day.

i feel better today. but we can still ride the L train and make fun of hipsters if you want.

Rona said...

DUDE I'M SINGLE!! i mean, I know we have, like, three hundred billion states separating us, but if there is ONE THING I NEED, it's a single girlfriend to get sh*tfaced with while manfishing. COUNT ME IN when I come to visit. NYC won't know what hit 'em!